Weight starting:... errmmmm, *hides* 163. I know, I know. 10 pounds back! Agh! I did NOT mean for that to happen (obviously). But after I got moved into my new home I had a lot of stuff to work on. And of course I was not able to do the maintenance like I wanted since I was more occupied with decorating my new home than I was being a smart shopper and having a home full of foods that I wasn't immediately craving.
My sugar levels have been WHACKED. And I have been drinking on the weekends, more than I like (ahem, I'll be honest, 2-3 beers a day and about once a month I'll have a half bottle of wine which will totally get me to that happy place but the day after I'm not so happy!)
I can feel the toxic build up and I really want to feel light as a feather again. I loved that feeling... a few days ago I had taken a mini break from food and it was so good to feel in control.
I realized I was at a low when I had finished off my second slice of cheescake from trader joe's (its made of good ingredients so I tell myself its *good*.... of course it is NOT), and then I watched an episode of Dr. Oz and Joan Rivers had admitted she liked the time in her life when she was bulimic because she had control over her life. And of course the copycat effect hit me and I thought... maybe I'll just take a little of this remorse out of my stomach. THAT WENT BADLY, haha.... I just had bloodshot eyes after the first attempt then realized ... wow, this is pathetic and totally not me. It has been a long time since I purged in that way and I really wanted to feel it. I am glad that I couldn't.
I am not going to take that extremely unhealthy route anyways because it instantly made me feel worse rather than better. My eyes hurt for a few days and my heart felt like it was palpitating irregularly that night. The symptoms were evident instantly that this is a very unhealthy mechanism for my body and I shant disgrace it so!
Anyhow, starvation also sounds like it is bad to me. In retrospect of my last ASAP attempt, I felt in control of my eating but because I was eating so much less than what I'm used to I was told by others that I was starving myself. I really didn't like hearing that. I felt unsupported and I was not expecting those voices to shake me so much. I didn't want to agree because I didn't feel hungry, I felt satisfied, I felt smaller, I felt great, then I felt guilt. Was I really starving myself? I was telling people that the drops are Dumbo's feather because I read elsewhere than anyone who eats 1000 calories a day are going to lose weight with or without "magic $100 drops."
I am still summoning my strength to do this again. Tomorrow I am going to INDULGE. I will eat everything I am going to miss in the next six weeks. I am going to do the longer ASAP session because I want to lose 30 pounds. My dream weight is 135. I do not want to get halfway there and feel satisfied. I want to be in my dream body and I want it ASAP!
I hope I can inspire others to do the same and to show them that it is possible to get to a dream weight. And also, when I get there I hope I can also show you that its possible to be happy in the body you're in. I keep hearing people say "if you're not happy now you'll never be happy" I know I have always had issues with my body, but when I was 140 I was on fire! I was motivated and had a lot of energy for anything and everything I wanted to do! I was inspired and inspirational with a beaming confidence that permeated the space around me. I still have this fire but I want it to shine brighter and further! Join me if you can, anywhere along the way!
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